He Isn't Ours

This past week we took our 2 1/2 month old son, Ryan, to get a CT scan and an ultrasound. He was born with something called a congenital aplasia, and after going to several doctors and even driving to Atlanta to meet with a doctor, we took the little fellow to get these scans. They doctors told us that it was probably nothing to worry over, but that these tests would confirm. Before I go any further, we did get that confirmation that he is perfectly normally (well, except for the genes he inherited from me), and that the scans were all clear, and that the worst he'll have to live with is a dime-sized bald spot on the side of his head.

We went with the technicians as they placed our son in the CT scanner. They had to place pads around his head to keep him from moving and then slid him back into the machine. My wife and I talked about that scene later as we drove home from the hospital - just how emotional it was seeing him being put into that scanner. My first thought was, "I can't imagine having to see your child go through test after test like this." I suddenly had a deep compassion for parents whose children face serious medical issues and have to go through this kind of experience over and over.

As we talked about that experience, we reminded ourselves about how both of our children are not ours. It is so hard to really believe that truth, but we have to allow that truth to find its way into our hearts or we will drive ourselves crazy trying to protect our children from every little thing and completely control their environments. We talked about how our children are a gift from God, and that they ultimately belong to Him and are under His protection. We reminded ourselves of the story of Hannah and Samuel, and how desperately Hannah wanted a son, and once he was born she both spiritually and literally gave him over to God to serve in the temple. We talked about her words, which I'm sure were said with many tears: "I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord." (I Sam 1:26-27) We've found that this is the hardest thing to do, and yet yesterday we were reminded, as we saw our son in that machine, that we cannot control everything that happens to him and protect him from everything. He belongs to God; we are simply Ryan's foster parents, caring for him the best we can.

How Do I Get To Oz?

So many times when we are trying to figure out God's will for our lives, we feel like Dorothy asking the scarecrow how to get to Oz. We get no further in clarifying the decision that ought to be made than Dorothy got in her answer from the scarecrow. We pray, we ask advice from friends, we get the big yellow legal pad and make our list of pros and cons, and still we are left scratching our heads. Is there way to really know God's will?

This Sunday (September 12th) I'm beginning a series on Discovering God's Will. In my preparation for this series, I have personally discovered two truths that make a huge difference in how I view God's will for my life: 1) God loves me more than I can possibly understand, and wants me to know His will for my life even more than I want to know it, and 2) God's purpose in my life is to get me to do the things that I don't necessarily want to do in order to become the person I want to be. In other words, I may think that His will is not the best for me, but God, in his infinite wisdom, understands the entire context of my situation, knows the outcome of every decision, and ultimately wants to lead me to the place I really want and need to be.

Those two truths are incredibly freeing. God wants me to know His will more than I want to know it makes my struggle to discover His will less burdensome. And, the fact that whatever His will is for my life is the place that ultimately I want and need to go means that I can trust His leading even when it doesn't make sense. Life becomes easier with a guide like that. Sure beats the heck out asking the scarecrow!

It Was A Scream!

Kevin Ryan Mills, Jr. (Ryan) came at 4:02PM on Tuesday, August 3rd, weighing in at a hefty 7 pounds, 9.4 ounces. According to the doctors and nurses, the delivery was as smooth as they come. Mama is recovering quickly; little Ryan seems to be happy, and big sister Elizabeth is, for the moment, tolerating this new "attention-stealer" who has entered our house. Now begins the crying, the screaming - and that's just from Dad! Even through it all... the mountain of dirty diapers, the feedings, the sleepless nights... it's worth every moment!

Dear Ryan

Dear Ryan,

It's 3:00 in the morning as I sit at the computer to write these words to you. Earlier this evening your mom decided she wanted us to go on a walk, "to get things moving along." Well, it apparently worked. After just 3 hours of sleep, she woke me to tell me that your birthday would be August 3rd, 2010. For a while, we debated: How long do we wait before going to the hospital? How long do we wait before calling and waking your grandparents to come watch your sister, Elizabeth? Should we call the hospital first and ask their advice? Will they call the doctor for us?

Strangely, the whole thing felt like deja vu all over again (a famous Yogi Bera quote...I look forward to sharing his famous wit with you one day.) Just 16 1/2 months before, we went through this same routine with your sister. You'd think that we'd know exactly what to do this time, but it's funny how much you forget in 16 months.

Your mom is getting herself ready and packing her bag (she'll pack enough to stay for a month). Your dog, Bella, is asleep on the kitchen floor. I'm drinking coffee, trying to clear the fog, sitting in the kitchen writing on the laptop. Even in the haze of the early hours of the morning, I'm exploding with excitement about meeting you for the first time.

I know I'll make mistakes. I know you won't always like me. There will come a time when you think you know everything and I'm a complete idiot. But know this: I'm going to love you with everything that is in me. I'm going to do my best to give you tons of my time. And I'm going to tell you about our God who loves you a million times more than I am able to love you. Unbelievable, isn't it? I cannot wait to throw a ball with you, to ride you on my shoulders, to read you a story, to put you to bed at night. I cannot wait to meet you, Ryan!

But for now, we wait. Just waiting on you to do your thing. So come on, buddy. I'm looking forward to meeting you.

Love,

Dad

"You Mean We've Had This The Whole Time?"

My daughter, Elizabeth, is 16 months old. Recently, we "turned" her car seat around. Fortunately, my wife keeps up with the rules, but there is some deal about them facing backwards in the car seat until they reach a year old or 50 pounds or some measure like that. I'm not 100% sure what the deal is, but she told me it was time, so Elizabeth now faces forward in her car seat.

Today, since now she is facing forward, we put in a DVD while she and her mom went to run errands (I was home for lunch and got to see them off). As you can tell from the attached photo, she instantly became locked in to her Veggie Tales video. One time she glanced over at me, and I was able to read her mind. She looked at me as if to say, "You mean we've had this the whole time and you guys haven't been letting me watch DVD's?!?"

I wonder how many times we end up the same way spiritually. I wonder how many times God has incredible things in store for us, but we just miss it, or aren't ready, or haven't "grown up" enough spiritually for God to be able to show us more. I wonder how many times we are facing backwards spiritually, while God is waiting for us to mature so He can show us all the great things we can see facing forward. How many times are we missing our own Veggie Tales DVD?

In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God's word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. Hebrews 5:12-13

Laughter

Very early in Genesis, there is this great story of God coming to Abraham and Sarah and telling them that He will give them a son. The story is great because God was doing something that seemed impossible - allowing this woman who was a few decades past her childbearing years to become pregnant. When God came to Abraham and gave him the news, his wife Sarah overheard the conversation and laughed; not with a joyous, excited kind of laugh, but a cynical, pessimistic kind of laugh. The kind of laughter that said, "Yeah, right. Like I'm really going to be able to have a child."

A few chapters later in Genesis, she gets pregnant (Ch 21:1 - "...and the Lord did for Sarah what He had promised.") She gives birth to a son, names him Isaac (which means, he laughs) and then said, "God has brought me laughter (not the cynical, pessimistic kind of laughter, but a joyous, excited kind of laughter), and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me." (Gen 21:6)

On two separate occasions, Sarah laughs, but her first laugh is dramatically different than her second laugh. Her first laugh is full of cynicism. Her second laugh is full of joy at God doing the impossible in her life.

In my own life, there is far too much of that kind of cynical laughter and far too little of the joyous laughter at God doing the impossible. It's far too easy to become cynical and jaded in our society, and I've fallen victim too many times to the curse of cynicism toward everything, including God. I want to laugh, but not like Sarah's first laugh. Lord, help me to not cast a weary, cynical eye toward You doing the impossible in my own life.

Waiting

I'm an extremely impatient person. Standing in long lines; waiting for a table at a restaurant; waiting for someone who is late to an appointment... these things all drive me insane. I'm not good at just sitting and waiting.

But when I read the Bible, I find that I'm commanded to wait on God... a lot. Psalm 37:7 - "Be still and wait before the Lord." Psalm 27:14 - "Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 33:20 - "We wait in hope for the Lord." Proverbs 20:22 - "Wait for the Lord, and he will deliver you." And the list goes on. I mean, come on, God, don't you know that I've got things to do, and I need you to solve my problems NOW?!? What is the deal with this whole waiting thing, anyway?

This coming Sunday we will be talking about why God makes us wait - and since you are a faithful blog reader, I'll give you a preview of the sermon. The major reason God makes us wait is that what God does in us while we wait is just as important as that we are waiting for. In other words, the waiting is not just killing time, but part of God's plan. The journey is just as important as the destination.

So, I guess I'm praying that God would give me the ability to be patient and wait on Him. Is it okay to pray that He would hurry up and give me patience?